Dear Humans,
It is Day 98 of my incarceration, and only 7 sleeps left before my Parole Hearing on Monday at 5pm.
Mother is beginning to catastrophize about the hearing, and is completely freaking the fuck out about what happens if my staples don't come out tomorrow. I said hey, JUST THINK GOOD THOUGHTS, and we'll be okay, but then she started going on and on and on about "toxic positivity" and how saying something like that to people experiencing trauma reactions can actually make things worse, and blahdeeblahblahblah... IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW, OKAY?!?!?!?
Think good thoughts, people.
As for the most recent cliffhanger…
SURPRISE!!! It appears that going out at 3:30am allows Mom to sleep in on a Sunday. I didn't sing the song of my people until 11:20, and that was only because Gráinne was singing the song of HER people outside the bedroom door, and I figured it was time for Battle of the Bands.
Mom took me outside, and she and Jasper followed me to the far side of the catwalk (where no cats walk), and down the hill and around the shrubbery, etc. Finally, Mom said it was time to go back up the hill, before Jasper opened the damned back door himself, and let the cats out, because he never shuts it behind him.
We got back up the hill, and guess what...? JASPER HAD OPENED THE DAMNED BACK DOOR, which was swinging wide open.
The catastrophizer catastrophized. But after shutting the door and putting my halo back on, she went upstairs to check on the Catpulets, and they were both inside and fine. Phew!
When she came back down, she saw the GINORMOUS bag of cat treats – a Christmas present from Ali, which Mom had put up high so Jasper & I wouldn't steal them – in the middle of the dining room, with a hole chewed out the bottom, and about half of the treats missing.
We don't know who it was. HOWEVER, Gráinne did not join in on the breakfasting, and her toots have been most aromatic today. (Mom says gross, I say delicious!)
I have become uncooperative about my halo. When The Warden tries to put it back on me after touring the back yard or eating, I am now moving my head to avoid it being fastened, or turning around to be in the wrong direction, or just walking away entirely. Mom is calling me "saucy", but I'm pretty sure it has undertones of "Jayzus Feck, Macie, put on yer fecking cone before I staple it to your head!" How I suffer.
It was a very sunny day today, so there were many back yard walkabouts. At one point in the late afternoon, though, the Stinky Brother had had enough of keeping calm and carrying on, and got a serious case of the Zoomies in the flowerbed at the far side of the catwalk (next to the hill that makes The Warden freak out, and all the icy stairs and wall). I watched with arrogant disdain for quite some time, but then decided I ought to join him in the frolicking.
The Warden was not amused. She kept yelling about staples and how I should know better than to blow everything we've accomplished the last two weeks just one sleep (she doesn't understand math) before my Parole Hearing, and put me on an extra-short leash.
Well, I was having none of that – I tried to join the Zoomies despite the short leash, and she screamed about rope burn being worse than shivs, and I was all CAN'T I DO ANYTHING WITHOUT PISSING YOU OFF?!?!? And then she grabbed me by the collar and walked me back across the catwalk to the sunroom door (because Jasper can't open that one by himself) and gave me a very stern talking to.
Later, when I was enjoying some upside-down time on the couch, she inspected my staples, and swears there are less attached to me now. And she might have sworn a bit. Or a lot. Or a shit-ton of swearing.
I am now anxious about my Parole Hearing.
I shall spend the remaining hours thinking toxically positive good thoughts about my belly healing completely and being allowed to play and run and jump and do cartwheels and eat bunny presents in the raspberry canes once more.
Mama says to please send alcohol, just in case.
Love and schlurps and a barrel full of Tequila,
Macie
Photo for today is of Jasper and Gráinne, because apparently I am unworthy of photos again…
