Hi everyone! I've been told my fan club wants a trilogy. Well, watch your wishes, suckers, because my staples don't come out until the 13th, and I am BORED, Bored, bored.
After The Human took her laptop back yesterday, my morning meds finally kicked in. So I tried to help her with her work, but mostly I fell asleep on her legs and tried to type on the keyboard with my halo. She did NOT appreciate my contribution as well as she should have, and kept muttering how she was an old lady and not meant to work on the floor, and maybe she should book an extra RMT appointment, whatever that is. (I just know she comes back from them all blissed out and woobledy, so maybe they give her some of that "magic pumpkin" she's been feeding me all week? That's some GOOD SHIT, I tell ya!)
With the stinky brother out being irresponsible and flirting with the staff at Ruff Haus, and me not being allowed to have ANY FUN, the Catpulets came down from their penthouse suite, to inspect and see if I wanted anything. Even Cadeau, who's such a wuss usually. Mom got all teary at one point, when Gráinne came up and started licking my nose. But then I tried to lick her back, and she was trapped in my halo, and she made this weird sound and poofed up like a cross between a snake and a balloon and then ran back upstairs (I couldn't join her, because THE FUCKING STAIRS ARE BARRICADED BY A GIANT BOX!)
Cadeau also came to sniff at me, but then she was all "the shiv! the shiv!" at my halo, too – I'm beginning to suspect that this is NOT a halo, but just a poorly-disguised cone of shame, and The Human is lying to me.
Mom finally remembered to have lunch, which she ate at the table, but she dropped a little of that yummy cheese onto the floor by accident. I dove in to rescue it from its loneliness, but all I could hear was her screaming at me about "the shiv! the shiv!" but I was determined to help, so pressed in even harder to help that poor piece of cheese, and then mom put on some Polysporin, which I love, and then it was all "the shiv! the shiv!" again, and... GEEZ LOUISE, she's such a freaking whiner. I can't believe they let her run around without her own freaking halo, considering how easily she hurts herself.
Anyhow, Jasper came home from the Haus of HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME, and... let me just say, Mom has been doing a TERRIBLE job of looking after his ears this week. So I went to clean out his left ear, which is always in rough shape, and he was all "nah man, it's okay, don't worry about it", but I was all "it's the least I can do for the brother that I love" and "hold still and stop squirming", and then he was all "the shiv! the shiv!" and totally unappreciative of all I do for him.
He's not even my real brother. I was living my best life until he showed up, and everybody was "oh look, Macie, you have a new baby brother to love!" and I was, like, "I didn't order that". And he was tiny enough to fit in people's laps still, and I was all "I used to be tiny too, you won't be small and cute forever, you know", but maybe I should have watched my wishes. Because somehow he went from being this little runt who I had to protect from the Osprey to this giant annoying beast who takes up half the bed, but only after he's rearranged all the pillows to his liking.
I gave my best sad eyes to Mom, and she started cuddling and cooing and saying “I'm so sorry, Macie, I wish I could make it all better for you right away, I know it totally sucks donkey balls for you right now.”
HOLD. THE. DOOR.
How the hell would she know what sucking donkey balls is like? I am most concerned for this woman's well-being, as well as any creatures that come near her. I mean, I've heard her and the coven discussing things that they don't talk about with others, but not once has she mentioned committing ungodly acts on poor, unsuspecting donkeys! I mean, she freaks out whenever I eat bunny presents on the lawn, and all the delicacies in Dog Poop Alley across the way, but she puts her mouth on THAT and it's okay with everyone?!? I am most concerned. This shall be filed for leverage as I try to negotiate early removal of my "halo".
To get even for my shock, when mom was on her Zoom BaDAS/S meeting (Barrie and District Association of Singer/Songwriters – that's as close to a badass as she'll ever be — fainting couch, people, meh), I jumped on the couch (no jumping, he heh heheheh), and struck my favourite upside-down pose, while she fought the urge to chug her beer and go for a refill. Sadly, I was too far away from the camera for the other people to see my staples – I'LL show you who's the REAL badass in this household!!
I had to sleep in the crate again. Oh the pupmanity.
I got my revenge, however, at approximately 6am, when I started barking and whining like there was no tomorrow. Mom was fumbling for her flashlight on the phone, and when she finally made it work, I was just sitting up happily, asking to be let out so I could come up on the bed. She mumbled "no freaking way", and said I had to stay in there until at least the sunrise, and then Jasper stole her pillow. Also, while she was trying to find the flashlight, she accidentally turned off her alarm, so was swearing a lot when her backup alarm finally went off. Meh heh heheh.
Then I barked some more, so she let me out of my crate and put on all her outdoor clothes (even more than usual), and then opened the back door, and then BAM! A wall of cold hit me so hard, I was like no freaking way am I going out there. Jasper, the dummy, went out, but then when he saw me still inside and warm and cosy, he came back in too. Mom gave me some of that Magic Pumpkin and then went to brush her teeth, while keeping an eye on me so I didn't jump on the bed again. She made me come into the bathroom for her to spit, because she has major trust issues. I have a feeling she really should go back to therapy, because of all the things I'm learning about her this week!
Two more attempts were made to get me outside before being LOCKED IN MY CRATE again, as Jasper was whisked off to the Forbidden Place of Joy.
Two more attempts have been made to get me outside since The Human returned, but IT'S FREAKING COLD OUT THERE, PEOPLE!!! I can hold it for another 48 hours if I have to.
Instead, I've been snuggling with mom on the floor, as she receives my dictation for this post. The fire is on, and she's starting to smell a little sweaty, which is awesome if you're a dog.
Once again, though, she's telling me that she needs the laptop back to make the kibble money, and that liver biopsies and Magic Pumpkin don't exactly grow on trees (DUH to that last one, it grows in cans, I'm not stupid). So I'm going to make my way to the bed in the corner of the dining room, so I can stare out longingly at the snow, but refuse to go there when the door opens. It is one of my only joys today. Fortunately, the Magic Pumpkin has kicked in, so I'm a little sleepy – Mom says she has no idea what she's going to do with me next week, when the Magic part is finished. Whatever.
Oh, she says to tell you all that the bruising on my belly reached a peak yesterday and is now subsiding. She keeps taking pictures of my staples, which is weird and annoying, but she says it keeps her from catastrophizing. Yeah, right, sure. (Therapy, girl, therapy!)
I will try to learn more about her donkey experiences and report back on this and any other issues of concern I discover.
Love and schlurps (but STFU about the shiv)
Macie
