Dear Humans,

Here is your Thursday update. My apologies for the delay, but when your favouritest shows up, you do not waste time with internet prose!

Thursday did not begin well. I resumed my 6am whining, interspersed with barking. The Warden took me seriously this time, and got out of bed to let me out, but I did not wish to leave her bed (she said the previous night that she'd given the fuck up, because I was already up there again, so I might as well stay). So she assumed I was just looking for reassurance, and went back to sleep. For about 10 minutes, when I resumed the whining and barking. This seemed to freak her out a bit. She turned on the light and looked to see if her giving the fuck up had injured me, but everything on my belly looked okay. She asked again if I wanted to go out, but I didn't move. Ten minutes more sleep, and I repeated my soft refrain. The Warden thought maybe I was feeling sore (since I'm now weaned off the painkillers) and didn't want to jump down, so she tried to lift me off the bed, but I was having none of that. Then SHE started whining, and saying she didn't know what to do, because I was still having a right fit. I let her suffer a while longer, until the Stinky Brother got fed up with her asking me if I wanted to go outside, and he figured he'd go, since she was asking. He jumped off the bed and I followed him. Then I ran to the back door and whined more intensely while doing my "I have to pee" dance. She didn't even bother taking off my cone or putting on her hat, she just shoved her boots on, my leash on, and we barely made it out the door before I undammed another Great Lake on the patio.

Once complete, I barked to go inside, and jumped back on the bed – stealing her spot, naturally – while she asked me why the fuck I didn't go outside when she'd offered three quarters of an hour ago, and not scare her into thinking I was dying of something new?

I had no answer. Such rudeness deserves no reply.

Despite the lack of sedatives, I spent much of the day on the dog bed in the sunroom. The Warden hypothesizes that without the painkillers, I'm finally realizing that my body needs some time to heal. I hypothesize that I've given the fuck up, too, and know I'm not going to be allowed any fun, so might as well enjoy a sunbeam on a cushion on a heated floor, while my Stinky Brother gets to go off and have fun with all our friends at Ruff Haus without me.

Which he did.

I did have one round-trip walk of the back yard in the afternoon, which is VERY melty, and sure to be a mud pit soon. The Warden hopes it's not until my staples are out, because she doesn't want to clean me. Humph.

My Stinky Brother came home, and I gave him a good ear cleaning. He's getting much better at accepting this loving gesture from me, even in my ailment. Although he does eventually start yelling "the shiv! the shiv!" and tells me to piss off. I mean, he's Jasper, so it's more like "hey Dude, chill, I'm good", but I can read the subtext.

I should have known there was a surprise coming, because Mom cleaned the kitchen counter again. But when I heard the car door, I jumped out of the sunroom and ran to the door and started wiggling all over, because ALI WAS HERE!!!!!! She wasn't allowed to bring Vixon, because of my goddamned fucking staples, but at least Ali was here! I gave her my best kangaroo hops, and tried to kiss her and show her my best butt wiggle, but she started shouting "the shiv! the shiv!", and she and The Warden tried to hold me down and stop me from doing the kangaroo hops I'm so bloody good at.

I will forgive Ali, but never the woman who isn't my real mother. NEVER.

Eventually, I relented, and just wiggled and whined on the floor, while Ali tried to take off her boots. I sang her the song of my people, and all the ways I've been tortured in the past few weeks, and pleaded with her to rescue me and take me home to Vixon, and leave this hellhole behind, but she just wouldn't listen. The Warden has obviously pre-brainwashed her.

Ali asked whether to do restaurant or take-out – The Warden said let's go to a restaurant, BECAUSE I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!! I take great offence, because I'm pretty sure it's not the house she was trying to get away from. Even more insufferably, she locked me in the crate while they went to dinner. The pupmanity…

It took them For EVER to get back. I ignored The Warden and once again tried to demonstrate my kangaroo jumps and full-body wiggles to Ali, but she was all "the shiv! the shiv!" and I FEEL SO MISUNDERSTOOD.

It got better, though, because after Jasper and the Catpulets and I FINALLY got fed our dinner, it was Christmas time!!! (We usually spend Christmas with Ali, but... remember that ice storm? Yeah... mom wussed out about driving down the highway in that. I could have done it if she'd let me.)

Ali and Vixon gave the Catpulets treats (TRAITORS!!!), and Jasper and me treats AND toys! I was so excited, because I've been having difficulty playing with most of my toys with this stupid halo getting in the way, but these toys were easier to play with. So I took Jasper's as well, naturally. I mean, I always take Jasper's, but this time I had a good excuse.

I had the squeakers out of both, and one beheaded before the Humans were even halfway through their presents. Oh yeah, and I swallowed the head.

Mom screamed something about already blowing my college fund on vet bills this month, and stop doing stupid things that will cost her more. I took on Jasper's attitude and was all "Like, CHILL, dude". Because we all know I don't need a college fund – I'm a freaking genius already!!!

Mother was not amused.

Ali got the big guest room, which comes with canine tuck-in service. Jasper and I aim to please!

Mom took me outside for a just-before-bed pee, to ensure I wouldn't be waking her up at 6am again. Did this endeavour succeed? Tune in later today, as I give you the Friday edition of my Tales of Woe.

(yeah, The Warden wants her laptop back, so she can make the kibble money – AND the vet money, because she's a whiner)

Have a good Friday afternoon, Humans!

Love and schlurps, 
Macie

Dear Humans,

I can be adorable too.

Love, 
Jasper

(Taken by the fine folks at Ruff Haus)